Sending moments of Awesome to all my friends



I had a revelation of sorts today-  and I’m writing it down, because in the mundane day-to-day survival mode of , well, everything- I don’t want to forget this.

It started with 2 different posts I spotted on my daily search for courage and help to get thru the tasks I have to do… and came to full-force as I came to the thought,  that “handicapped” is a frame of mind.

And really- I knew this already;  and have tried to instill it with my kids.  Sometimes it shows up at odd moments such my kids enjoying telling people that they are not “normal, ’cause normal is boring”,  and sometimes it’s a bit more or a bitter moment – such as like last spring, when my older daughter had to do a 10th grade research paper on Autism- and it was the first time she had ever heard or seen the word “disability”  in the same reference with ‘Autism”; we really had to work thru that moment of feeling broken for the first time.   And sometimes my own fatigue and moments of health flareups can make it hard to remember that feeling of  “Warriors in the service of Heaven”.    So I’m going to share the links I found today-  sending feelings of awesome to all my friends.

“Never say can’t” video clip–

A research paper on the new thinking about Autism isn’t a low-neuron problem- it’s an over-neuron problem–

Categories: Courage quotes, Midnight musings, resourses | Leave a comment

Sunday Morning Courage

Needed a good shot of courage today– normal for a Sunday.  So I came back to my favorite scripture quote.IMG_1995

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.        (Isaiah 41: 10, 13)

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Tech Saturday

So-Today I spent the day listening to conference talks, scouring u-tube videos, and learning how to make a good  “About Autism and Bullying” power-point for peer-teen classes at church  – (Not bad for coming up thru the ranks since the Apple 2)- Major blessing- a lot of comfort to lift me at the end of a hard week—fringe benefit; staying homework savvy for my kids!  :)  Next Job, of course, is figuring out how to put it on this post, even better if I manage it before midnight; ’cause then I can say I did it all in one day (hee hee)

Hmmm- nope- tired got the best of my brain finally.. I’ll work on it soon- in the mean time- Here’s the conference address I started with… for all our hearts.  Good night!103-800

The Works of God

James E. Faust- Oct 1984

Categories: LDS Mom of Autism, Midnight musings, resourses | Leave a comment

warrior decompressions…

Warrior Decompression-  that moment in time when you realize that the daily fight to get your special needs kids all the support and services they need has made you forget for a moment that everyone else is fighting their own mountains too, and that we do not go to church for social meet and greet, or for fun;  but because we Love the Lord and wish to worship Him and strengthen his children as we promised– and then you remember that you have much to give them when you set aside your own needs.   So- gathering back together the frayed strings of my faith that the Lord will help my kids, as I help His.

“Never be discouraged. If I were sunk in the lowest pits of Nova Scotia, with the Rocky Mountains piled on me, I would hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage, and I would come out on top.

Joseph Smith, Jr.
Categories: Courage quotes, Midnight musings | 1 Comment

Adiue to Summer

This week has been a very overwhelming back-to-school week, totally normal I guess.   But I only forgot one appointment with a school councilor, and she rescheduled- so we’ll call it good.  :)  There has been a lot of real-for-real good too, but I’m still a little scatterbrained with the leftovers of yesterday’s  migraine and a bad case of Angina all week, so I thought I’d just pop in some photos and that would help me remember what I wanted to say.


The very first wall… My dad has an absolute talent for getting young men to help; and when all my oldest’s friends came to see the first day of “real” work (after the garage space had been cleaned, etc.) He timed this important first step to get all the help he could.

Ah yes… It is very, very hard on all spectrum peeps to go thru change and chaos.  In fact the chaos and change involved in planning and prepping and moving toward a remodeling project can even get to the hardiest and most flexible of non-asd souls.  But the goal was visible- and very much wanted- so even tho panic was high all summer,  I am very proud of their valiant efforts to try for self control.  The first stage, my dad worked on getting me some storage in the house, while my mom had the big boys help clean up the garage, and I worked on varnish and paint inside, and drawing floor plans for the new space.  It took 4 re-draws, and a lot of helping kids find quiet spots to hide in and breathe.  In fact I took the 3 younger ones to the matinees a lot more often than ever before…  But the good moments also came.  I found the time to sit each of the two older boys with me alone and talk them thru the process of “I need you to open up and not just hate this drawing- but problem solve with me, tell me which pieces you really want, and which pieces are making you have a panic attack”… etc.  and I have to say how awesome it was to be able to watch them swallow their fears and walls and talk with me for over an hour (each) and really tag the things that were important to them and the things that they admitted to just being a selfish wish.  It was like a piece of heaven for the rest of the day for me- and that night I had the pictures come in those flashes of inspiration… and the plans were done the next day;  just in time to start drawing on the newly cleaned floor, and buy the first loads of material.   After another week- things started to get exciting…


This is what happens when an Artist and an architect/contractor gets together to play.

My sister and her hubby found a rare week when they both had 4 days off work at the same time, and did me the great gift of spending it coming down to our Arizona heat, and helping out.  Her hubby clambered around in our attic (WAY over 110 degrees up there) and strung wire for the new space. IMG_1305 IMG_1306

So I had to reciprocate, and take them out to the Calliope organ Pizza place (called Organ Stop, in Mesa.  I highly recommend it to anyone local- they even have gluten free selections!)


At this point- we all knew that summer was ending fast- but no one wanted to admit it.  I gave the camera to my youngest one day- this is just a few of the great perspectives she had..


Mom doing the mud and tape,  and photo-bombing of course :)


getting out all our stress – fun when there is permission to break out the wall (so we can add insulation)


IMG_1331 the angles are  on purpose- what can I say, she takes after me- an artist at heart. :)


Grandma smiles the best

And this is where it will sit for a while.  Grandpa is back to work, and the rest will be done during warrior-weekends.   A little escape time for the girls and me; back to school shopping- at the art store of course.  And DK and me doing last minute errands.


And then jump into the high focus of another school year.   Hard to believe they are getting so big!  TeaRose is in 11th grade this year, and DK is a freshman (9th grade!).  Kydee is 8th grade, her last year in Jr. High.  Next year they will all be in high school together!   Wow!

But this post wouldn’t be complete without the little reminders of the Autism world I walk in as my constant companion.    On the very first day of school, the High School provides a great day of orientation and activities for the new freshman.   As I was walking DK into the school, I was telling him that if it got too loud and chaotic, he should tell his group leader that he needed a quiet place, and he said “if I can remember to say all that when it’s that noisy”  Yup- that’s life!

Categories: "only with Autism" Adventures | Leave a comment

3 am Prayer for Courage

This is one of those nights.  I woke up and made the mistake of trying to figure out how I was going to manage to keep everything and everyone going tomorrow.  Instant recipe for insomnia.  So instead I decided it was time to search up new scriptures and quotes and a few favorite old ones, to help me have the courage to lay it all in the Lord’s hands again for the night.


                   Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say,  on the Lord.

  • The courage of life is often a less dramatic spectacle than the courage of a final moment; but it is no less a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy.  ~John F. Kennedy

  • A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

               Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. 

  • “All me have their fears, but those who face their fears with Faith have Courage as well” President Thomas S. Monson in April 2014 LDS General Conference: 
  • Valor is stability, not of legs and arms, but of courage and the soul.  ~Michel de Montaigne
  •  Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.             - Unknown
Much better now.  Good night.
Categories: Courage quotes, Midnight musings | 1 Comment

Where Success really Lies

I was reading some posts this morning, and realized that I was not so alone – It was good.  I don’t mean about just being a special needs Mom- but in the collateral damage that goes along with it. You know, the messy house and unfinished feeling to life.  But as I started to write into the comment feeds, I realized that I have learned some things that needed to be shared.

Even before this thing called special needs care, the Lord blessed me with endometriosis  for many years (I suspect it was partly to give aspie hubby the time he needed to be a good dad.)  I learned  many things then; but one that is totally on my heart today was when I realized that I had to make a list of things I needed to do, and feel good if I managed more than the top 3.

I learned that the important things, were things that would mater in the long run;  and this carried into when I had kids and added depression and no sleep to the list.  It took a long time but eventually I realized that if my kids were clean, fed, and were calm, and learning about honesty and kindness to their siblings and others, and knew who Jesus was and what he did for us, and even managed to get homework done on top of that- well, I have accomplished much in the eyes of the Lord.  My Hubby helped me see this-  he made me scroll thru all my photos in my photo file- and he said “Look, they all are smiling and happy.  This is a major accomplishment”.


2004- My own Three Musketeers

Now- as the constant short sleep (4 to 6 hours at a time between all the different kid’s needs) and PTSD style symptoms finally made me seek a doctor (dx -stress triggered fybromialgia) –I am so grateful for his support and love, it is one of the best blessings of an aspie hubby- his utter loyalty.  And so I keep trying, even tho’ I am at the point where I  find that I have to choose to call it a good day if I manage to keep going and clean one tiny spot down to the floor.  And if I manage to make the day gluten free as well, and even more rare- write in my blog- that’s a bonus.  :O

I prayed a long time for help and I need to say out loud (sort of) that prayers are heard.  And they are answered in the Lord’s own time and way.    It never came from the ward– but my folks found themselves between jobs this summer, and asked if they could spend it here.   It is amazing to step back enough to see the Lord’s deeper thinking (than mine) as we watch for the good fall-out in events…. Mom is as OCD as you can get about clean floors, and it has been hard on the kids and hubby (and thus, me)  to adjust to her brand of energy;  but she has the same sort of pure spirit as my asd daughter, totally without guile and  innocent, even at 71.  And working thru the stress and out the other side has allowed them to find out that you can fall in love with someone who is not perfect.  My dad is helping us add a room and sneaky storage to this smallish house, so that my older asd boys can have privacy and semi-independence.  Between the two of them, the house exploded into a construction site. I have had to deal with the heart pain, as I watch old attempts of projects (from many years of trying anything to help make my kids do better,  or my own art side happy) get found and thrown away in the massive clean-out;  but it is starting to swirl down and get exciting as progress is beginning to show.


sneaking cupboards into the stud spaces in the hall.

I realized this summer that I haven’t done yard care in the back yard in 2 years- and that’s o.k.   My kids still hug me good night, and still like to be with me in public. My older boys still camp out with their dad, and play video games and talk out their problems with him.  They all come when I call, and say sorry when they goof.  They are learning to work thru pain and stay kind anyway,  and find joy with each other (most of the time.)  They are getting quite good at coping with their struggles in a way that makes them more and more invisible to the casual observer, and move forward toward long term goals of their own.


…  I mean- I still struggle hard with panic at the thought of visitors, and facing my shortcomings is a daily trial.  But what I really should be telling myself is this- in the long measures of success, these things are where success really lies.


Summer 2014- fun with friends at a Young Women’s activity


always strive to remember the moments of pure joy


first load of sheet rock for the new room… So exciting. (many more to go, this is all the weight my van can hold in one trip. )





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Tuesday morning-

3 weeks left before school starts for the new year.  My TeaRose is in dead panic. The others are more like denial. I think I feel more like the first.  I finished most of the shopping- but the gear up of the heart and mind- that is not so easy.   My Heavenly Father knew I needed a courage quote today, because one popped into my head during my morning prayers, from the hymn book… so I thought I’d share.


I Need Thee Every Hour –page 98

1. I need thee ev’ry hour,
Most gracious Lord.
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford.
I need thee, oh, I need thee;
Ev’ry hour I need thee!
Oh, bless me now, my Savior;
I come to thee!
2. I need thee ev’ry hour;
Stay thou nearby.
Temptations lose their pow’r
When thou art nigh.
3. I need thee ev’ry hour,
In joy or pain.
Come quickly and abide,
Or life is vain.
4. I need thee ev’ry hour,
Most holy One.
Oh, make me thine indeed,
Thou blessed Son!

(Text: Annie S. Hawks, 1835-191
Music: Robert Lowry, 1826-1899)

Categories: Courage quotes | 2 Comments

Putting Grief into the Closet (again)

It happened again.

That prickly, achy, heart-pain that we ponder and then set aside, chalking it up to something called “grief over a normal life that we will never know”.

The first time I ever really experienced these sharp moments, was in the airport.   I had finally pulled by sheer will-power, all my family thru the check-in process, and we were sitting finally in the waiting area.  As I sat gathering my breath, I watch a young mom walk past- head high and forward, not even looking behind her to see if all her ducklings were following, because they were, all 4 little ones in a row.  It had never occurred to me till that moment, that keeping track of mommy was a normal instinct- and one I had never experienced as a young mom.  I thought all young moms fell in love with child leashes.  :)  I never really have the time to think about it much during the school years, too pre-occupied with the 4 hours a day in the car plus homework stress, and everything else that comes with getting all my kids thru their various special needs.  But it comes hard at milestone moments, like graduations;  or with casual comments like “you should take your girls with you shopping if you want to have Real fun”, or “just get your boys to help you”  Man- I sometimes have to bite my tounge on the comment- “I’ll let you take the kids shopping- and I start my stopwatch to see how long it takes before you call to get rescued.”  Lately the grief has been watching young men who used to be the ones that my kids would not go to church to endure- grow up enough to go on missions, (or return).  Usually I manage to sigh, then push it aside, trying to pretend that it is gone and conquered,  as I focus on the needs at hand and the laughter and joys that our family manages to sprinkle abundantly between the daily struggles.

And then, another sad letter.

This time it was from my younger son to me.  He gave it to me last night.  It was written as part of the activities that the Scouting/Young Men leaders had arranged for all the boys to do toward the end of their week-long Stake Camp last week.  You know, the kind that is supposed to be designed to increase the teen boys’ spirituality… here, I’ll show you. (names have been smudged by me)


And everything rushes in.  I have to keep the tears set aside, it is too hard on my kids, so I fall back to my routine… Spending the day with a prayer in my heart, and hunting for good moments to think about.

And there was good too- he said he wished they had handed out the letters from the parents first, because it gave him a lot to think about, and he intends to hang it in his room by his bed.  I had a hard time finding the quiet inspiration to write this one.  I finally managed it at the very last night before they all left.  But as I re-read it, I realize it was truly inspired- and very healing to my heart as well as his.

Let’s see if I can copy it over to here.


To my Wonderful son.

Look at how much you have grown!
This has truly been a handful of hard years- Especially in school.  I have watched and prayed as I saw 4th grade hit hard enough that sitting in the principle’s office was preferable, and 8th grade become intolerable… But you need to know that you have really moved forward, letting yourself learn to do hard things.
Such things as 7th grade when you really took off, jumping from 4th to 8th grade math in  a year- and much the same or more for reading and writing skills.   And I will always remember the huge growth of courage and endurance that you and your sisters showed to get thru the Temple Cultural Celebration!  Wow! what an accomplishment!

Now you are getting old enough that it will start feeling like the world is asking you to grow-up and move forward faster than you are able to go.  Do not be afraid.  The Lord knows you personally, and has set up a plan just for you, to help you get thru this time of your life.
It might always seem hard- because Heavenly Father is working to raise Warriors who can stand with him thru anything– but he also knows how to mix in good moments to lighten the pathway.  Your family will always be there, to help bring smiles and hugs when needed, and keep your eyes open for the tiny bits of beauty in nature and moments of tiny miracles- These are His way to tell you you are on the right path, and help you get thru the rough spots.  And when all seems dark- Look to the scriptures and the prophets, they are the light in the lighthouse, to guide you past the danger zones.
Always remember I love you.  And someday- it will surprise you (but not me) that you have grown up to be a mighty Tiger that cannot be taken down, except for hugs.

Love, Mom


Yup- the grief is back in the closet.  It may be important to show this letter to the proper leaders for future safety and such, but mourning is not part of my day anymore today.   In the mean time- I think I am ready to wake everyone and get ready for the Sabbath.

Talk to you soon!

Categories: LDS Mom of Autism, Midnight musings | 4 Comments

Friday Evening Courage Quote

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.”

Victor Hugo
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