Monday Meltdowns


Have you ever just felt like you needed a hug?

I think the worst part of being mom on a Meltdown Monday- is that there is no one to talk to–

Today my second boy, Brand, turned nineteen. This is a good thing! :)

But before the kids were even home from school, we had received an email from the insurance company stating that they were dropping him unless we can provide certain documents -by tomorrow.  It’s fixable with great effort, but that sent  hubby(aspie) a bomb shell worth of stress.  Not to mention notes home from DK’s teacher and a super hot day with my van’s ac out (plus humidity precieeding tomorrows storm),  and T-Rose’s poor health that I can’t figure out yet ’cause she doesn’t know how to tell me what’s wrong , my tiredness…  Well, by the time the cake was out and candles on it- I had  3 ASD kids (oldest was not up) all triggering each other.   I kept up trying to finish  bday evening, but I think he felt very deflated especially since my special day funds are really rock bottom from the remodeling and everything.    Finally had to just call for family prayer and bed time.   Yes we have had some moments of good this school season,  for instance Ryan is starting to really sound more grown up most of the time,  in fact he expressed the other day that he just doesn’t get why none of his friends seem to have a passion for ANYTHING (we were discussing future directions of careers)  (Of course, after that he spotted my stack of books on Autism and told me he doesn’t believe in all that stuff)  Another good thing was that Brand let me talk him into going in to the DMV last Friday to get his Driver’s License finished.   And he passed!!!

But then it was Sunday again, and DK hid out in an empty classroom during Sacrament meeting so that they wouldn’t ask him to sit with the other boys in the Deacon’s bench.  Hubby went and found him afterwards, and stuck with him for the other classes.  I don’t get out to choir much anymore- it is right after our 3 hr block, and the kids are all fatigued and stressing and needing me and food in about that order.   Then there was a missionary farewell open house last night- those are so hard, even with friends- yes we have Brand’s mission papers nearly done, but it is bittersweet; the plan is to set up a 3-6month service mission, and then see if he is up to rolling it up to a full/straight mission… of course that’s after waiting to see when they can find such a thing.  I’m supposed to think this is exciting, but the grief is hard to hide.  I re-read my last post from last week, and it helps, but there is no way around the feeling, at the end of a 108-degree day like today, that it’s just one of those “I need a hug” kind of days.


Categories: "only with Autism" Adventures, LDS Mom of Autism | Leave a comment

Sunday Morning

Kinda dreading waking everyone up this morning- Sunday again- what more is there to say.  There were some really good moments this week, but my head is stuffy with blocks of 2 and 3 hour sleep  I’ll have to work on writing those down when I can think straight.  One of the hardest parts of being a special needs mom, for me, is the lonely and dark night-half of 24/7 care.  It’s getting better as they get older, a little, but there are still lots of days nights…

I need first aid scriptures today in a huge way–but I can only remember one- so that’s what I think this morning needs.


Isaiah 41:9-13
…  and said unto thee, Thou art my servant; I have chosen thee, and not cast thee away.

10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

11 Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall perish.

12 Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contended with thee: they that war against thee shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought.

13 For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

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Sending moments of Awesome to all my friends



I had a revelation of sorts today-  and I’m writing it down, because in the mundane day-to-day survival mode of , well, everything- I don’t want to forget this.

It started with 2 different posts I spotted on my daily search for courage and help to get thru the tasks I have to do… and came to full-force as I came to the thought,  that “handicapped” is a frame of mind.

And really- I knew this already;  and have tried to instill it with my kids.  Sometimes it shows up at odd moments such my kids enjoying telling people that they are not “normal, ’cause normal is boring”,  and sometimes it’s a bit more or a bitter moment – such as like last spring, when my older daughter had to do a 10th grade research paper on Autism- and it was the first time she had ever heard or seen the word “disability”  in the same reference with ‘Autism”; we really had to work thru that moment of feeling broken for the first time.   And sometimes my own fatigue and moments of health flareups can make it hard to remember that feeling of  “Warriors in the service of Heaven”.    So I’m going to share the links I found today-  sending feelings of awesome to all my friends.

“Never say can’t” video clip–

A research paper on the new thinking about Autism isn’t a low-neuron problem- it’s an over-neuron problem–

Categories: Courage quotes, Midnight musings, resourses | Leave a comment

Sunday Morning Courage

Needed a good shot of courage today– normal for a Sunday.  So I came back to my favorite scripture quote.IMG_1995

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.        (Isaiah 41: 10, 13)

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Tech Saturday

So-Today I spent the day listening to conference talks, scouring u-tube videos, and learning how to make a good  “About Autism and Bullying” power-point for peer-teen classes at church  – (Not bad for coming up thru the ranks since the Apple 2)- Major blessing- a lot of comfort to lift me at the end of a hard week—fringe benefit; staying homework savvy for my kids!  :)  Next Job, of course, is figuring out how to put it on this post, even better if I manage it before midnight; ’cause then I can say I did it all in one day (hee hee)

Hmmm- nope- tired got the best of my brain finally.. I’ll work on it soon- in the mean time- Here’s the conference address I started with… for all our hearts.  Good night!103-800

The Works of God

James E. Faust- Oct 1984

Categories: LDS Mom of Autism, Midnight musings, resourses | Leave a comment

warrior decompressions…

Warrior Decompression-  that moment in time when you realize that the daily fight to get your special needs kids all the support and services they need has made you forget for a moment that everyone else is fighting their own mountains too, and that we do not go to church for social meet and greet, or for fun;  but because we Love the Lord and wish to worship Him and strengthen his children as we promised– and then you remember that you have much to give them when you set aside your own needs.   So- gathering back together the frayed strings of my faith that the Lord will help my kids, as I help His.

“Never be discouraged. If I were sunk in the lowest pits of Nova Scotia, with the Rocky Mountains piled on me, I would hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage, and I would come out on top.

Joseph Smith, Jr.
Categories: Courage quotes, Midnight musings | 1 Comment

Adiue to Summer

This week has been a very overwhelming back-to-school week, totally normal I guess.   But I only forgot one appointment with a school councilor, and she rescheduled- so we’ll call it good.  :)  There has been a lot of real-for-real good too, but I’m still a little scatterbrained with the leftovers of yesterday’s  migraine and a bad case of Angina all week, so I thought I’d just pop in some photos and that would help me remember what I wanted to say.


The very first wall… My dad has an absolute talent for getting young men to help; and when all my oldest’s friends came to see the first day of “real” work (after the garage space had been cleaned, etc.) He timed this important first step to get all the help he could.

Ah yes… It is very, very hard on all spectrum peeps to go thru change and chaos.  In fact the chaos and change involved in planning and prepping and moving toward a remodeling project can even get to the hardiest and most flexible of non-asd souls.  But the goal was visible- and very much wanted- so even tho panic was high all summer,  I am very proud of their valiant efforts to try for self control.  The first stage, my dad worked on getting me some storage in the house, while my mom had the big boys help clean up the garage, and I worked on varnish and paint inside, and drawing floor plans for the new space.  It took 4 re-draws, and a lot of helping kids find quiet spots to hide in and breathe.  In fact I took the 3 younger ones to the matinees a lot more often than ever before…  But the good moments also came.  I found the time to sit each of the two older boys with me alone and talk them thru the process of “I need you to open up and not just hate this drawing- but problem solve with me, tell me which pieces you really want, and which pieces are making you have a panic attack”… etc.  and I have to say how awesome it was to be able to watch them swallow their fears and walls and talk with me for over an hour (each) and really tag the things that were important to them and the things that they admitted to just being a selfish wish.  It was like a piece of heaven for the rest of the day for me- and that night I had the pictures come in those flashes of inspiration… and the plans were done the next day;  just in time to start drawing on the newly cleaned floor, and buy the first loads of material.   After another week- things started to get exciting…


This is what happens when an Artist and an architect/contractor gets together to play.

My sister and her hubby found a rare week when they both had 4 days off work at the same time, and did me the great gift of spending it coming down to our Arizona heat, and helping out.  Her hubby clambered around in our attic (WAY over 110 degrees up there) and strung wire for the new space. IMG_1305 IMG_1306

So I had to reciprocate, and take them out to the Calliope organ Pizza place (called Organ Stop, in Mesa.  I highly recommend it to anyone local- they even have gluten free selections!)


At this point- we all knew that summer was ending fast- but no one wanted to admit it.  I gave the camera to my youngest one day- this is just a few of the great perspectives she had..


Mom doing the mud and tape,  and photo-bombing of course :)


getting out all our stress – fun when there is permission to break out the wall (so we can add insulation)


IMG_1331 the angles are  on purpose- what can I say, she takes after me- an artist at heart. :)


Grandma smiles the best

And this is where it will sit for a while.  Grandpa is back to work, and the rest will be done during warrior-weekends.   A little escape time for the girls and me; back to school shopping- at the art store of course.  And DK and me doing last minute errands.


And then jump into the high focus of another school year.   Hard to believe they are getting so big!  TeaRose is in 11th grade this year, and DK is a freshman (9th grade!).  Kydee is 8th grade, her last year in Jr. High.  Next year they will all be in high school together!   Wow!

But this post wouldn’t be complete without the little reminders of the Autism world I walk in as my constant companion.    On the very first day of school, the High School provides a great day of orientation and activities for the new freshman.   As I was walking DK into the school, I was telling him that if it got too loud and chaotic, he should tell his group leader that he needed a quiet place, and he said “if I can remember to say all that when it’s that noisy”  Yup- that’s life!

Categories: "only with Autism" Adventures | Leave a comment

3 am Prayer for Courage

This is one of those nights.  I woke up and made the mistake of trying to figure out how I was going to manage to keep everything and everyone going tomorrow.  Instant recipe for insomnia.  So instead I decided it was time to search up new scriptures and quotes and a few favorite old ones, to help me have the courage to lay it all in the Lord’s hands again for the night.


                   Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say,  on the Lord.

  • The courage of life is often a less dramatic spectacle than the courage of a final moment; but it is no less a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy.  ~John F. Kennedy

  • A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

               Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. 

  • “All me have their fears, but those who face their fears with Faith have Courage as well” President Thomas S. Monson in April 2014 LDS General Conference: 
  • Valor is stability, not of legs and arms, but of courage and the soul.  ~Michel de Montaigne
  •  Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.             - Unknown
Much better now.  Good night.
Categories: Courage quotes, Midnight musings | 1 Comment

Where Success really Lies

I was reading some posts this morning, and realized that I was not so alone – It was good.  I don’t mean about just being a special needs Mom- but in the collateral damage that goes along with it. You know, the messy house and unfinished feeling to life.  But as I started to write into the comment feeds, I realized that I have learned some things that needed to be shared.

Even before this thing called special needs care, the Lord blessed me with endometriosis  for many years (I suspect it was partly to give aspie hubby the time he needed to be a good dad.)  I learned  many things then; but one that is totally on my heart today was when I realized that I had to make a list of things I needed to do, and feel good if I managed more than the top 3.

I learned that the important things, were things that would mater in the long run;  and this carried into when I had kids and added depression and no sleep to the list.  It took a long time but eventually I realized that if my kids were clean, fed, and were calm, and learning about honesty and kindness to their siblings and others, and knew who Jesus was and what he did for us, and even managed to get homework done on top of that- well, I have accomplished much in the eyes of the Lord.  My Hubby helped me see this-  he made me scroll thru all my photos in my photo file- and he said “Look, they all are smiling and happy.  This is a major accomplishment”.


2004- My own Three Musketeers

Now- as the constant short sleep (4 to 6 hours at a time between all the different kid’s needs) and PTSD style symptoms finally made me seek a doctor (dx -stress triggered fybromialgia) –I am so grateful for his support and love, it is one of the best blessings of an aspie hubby- his utter loyalty.  And so I keep trying, even tho’ I am at the point where I  find that I have to choose to call it a good day if I manage to keep going and clean one tiny spot down to the floor.  And if I manage to make the day gluten free as well, and even more rare- write in my blog- that’s a bonus.  :O

I prayed a long time for help and I need to say out loud (sort of) that prayers are heard.  And they are answered in the Lord’s own time and way.    It never came from the ward– but my folks found themselves between jobs this summer, and asked if they could spend it here.   It is amazing to step back enough to see the Lord’s deeper thinking (than mine) as we watch for the good fall-out in events…. Mom is as OCD as you can get about clean floors, and it has been hard on the kids and hubby (and thus, me)  to adjust to her brand of energy;  but she has the same sort of pure spirit as my asd daughter, totally without guile and  innocent, even at 71.  And working thru the stress and out the other side has allowed them to find out that you can fall in love with someone who is not perfect.  My dad is helping us add a room and sneaky storage to this smallish house, so that my older asd boys can have privacy and semi-independence.  Between the two of them, the house exploded into a construction site. I have had to deal with the heart pain, as I watch old attempts of projects (from many years of trying anything to help make my kids do better,  or my own art side happy) get found and thrown away in the massive clean-out;  but it is starting to swirl down and get exciting as progress is beginning to show.


sneaking cupboards into the stud spaces in the hall.

I realized this summer that I haven’t done yard care in the back yard in 2 years- and that’s o.k.   My kids still hug me good night, and still like to be with me in public. My older boys still camp out with their dad, and play video games and talk out their problems with him.  They all come when I call, and say sorry when they goof.  They are learning to work thru pain and stay kind anyway,  and find joy with each other (most of the time.)  They are getting quite good at coping with their struggles in a way that makes them more and more invisible to the casual observer, and move forward toward long term goals of their own.


…  I mean- I still struggle hard with panic at the thought of visitors, and facing my shortcomings is a daily trial.  But what I really should be telling myself is this- in the long measures of success, these things are where success really lies.


Summer 2014- fun with friends at a Young Women’s activity


always strive to remember the moments of pure joy


first load of sheet rock for the new room… So exciting. (many more to go, this is all the weight my van can hold in one trip. )





Categories: LDS Mom of Autism, Midnight musings | 3 Comments


Tuesday morning-

3 weeks left before school starts for the new year.  My TeaRose is in dead panic. The others are more like denial. I think I feel more like the first.  I finished most of the shopping- but the gear up of the heart and mind- that is not so easy.   My Heavenly Father knew I needed a courage quote today, because one popped into my head during my morning prayers, from the hymn book… so I thought I’d share.


I Need Thee Every Hour –page 98

1. I need thee ev’ry hour,
Most gracious Lord.
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford.
I need thee, oh, I need thee;
Ev’ry hour I need thee!
Oh, bless me now, my Savior;
I come to thee!
2. I need thee ev’ry hour;
Stay thou nearby.
Temptations lose their pow’r
When thou art nigh.
3. I need thee ev’ry hour,
In joy or pain.
Come quickly and abide,
Or life is vain.
4. I need thee ev’ry hour,
Most holy One.
Oh, make me thine indeed,
Thou blessed Son!

(Text: Annie S. Hawks, 1835-191
Music: Robert Lowry, 1826-1899)

Categories: Courage quotes | 2 Comments

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