Journal entry- May 20
Well– the easiest way to sum up monday is in the sentence– “There is just plain no way to adequately prepare an Autistic Spectrum Teen for the process of wisdom teeth extraction.” What a little trip thru the fringes of Hades. My Ryanator got hit hard with the Anesthesia for starters; it was like the anesthetics shut down all of the parts of his brain that were the strongest, most normal, and left nothing but the little kid, or Autistic parts-
Sunday now- and so weepy today. This has been a harsh, hard week. Ryan quit ranting in pain every time the meds wore off by the start of the third day, but still wouldn’t eat- finally coaxed him to go for my special ice cream smoothies (see recipes) we went thru a lot of ice cream.
Also this last week was a bunch of emails from DK’s school (the Psych) about his school needs– he won’t work at all without constant attention from someone, even for me , and he has a lot more angry moments at school- they don’t have the advantage that I have of being able to discipline instantly and catch most things before it starts…. I hate the feeling of being stuck in the system and cant get out, but I also can’t bear the thought of going thru another Ryan again- or at least the same mistakes ….. so, I’m holding onto my heart from the outside, and going forward.
Then Thursday was my turn to go back to the dentist- they had not got the crowns to sit right last week, and needed to fix them- if I had realized that they had to drill off the old crown and glue, before they put the new one down- I would have had a lot more trepidation. :O
Ryan is lightly eating now- but back on a night time schedule… and wouldn’t go to church today as it was stake conference. I made everyone else go- it was the right thing to do- but in the middle of a good talk, DK leans over and says “mom, I wish he had come so he could feel the spirit here” Well, that was it for me- fortunately I could pretend that it was the meeting’s spirit making me cry. But I have worried a lot about him. Spent a good long while re-reading journal posts today- pretending someone was talking to me…. found a nice one, from March 25
” I Love catching the Sunrise! and today was extra perfect. It’s Sunday, the house was completely still, and at peace… like the world was taking a deep breath. and the clouds all went deep pink for one glorious spot of time before fading down to a sweet cloudy morning. Made me think of the scriptures that say fear not, The Lord is in Charge.
I’m glad, too, that he’s in charge. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that when you’re deep in the battle-zone of one thing or another– as a mom, trying to repent and recover a messy house back to clean, and still be a good mom to my high maintenance kids who deeply and constantly need attention, and making sure I don’t forget the others, and their needs too– I feel like one more wrong step and I’ll mess everyone’s life up forever. Nasty place to be. Yes, our decisions count- but we forget sometimes the whole point of Christ’s Atonement. It feels like a knife edge balance sometimes- remembering both sides… but, the Lord knows very well that I’m not perfect- yet he still wants my help. I must be doing o.k. enough that I can still keep trying to make him proud of me.”
Thanks- I think I’m ready to keep goin now. Maybe I’ll go make myself some apple pie.