Confessions of an Artist– “Can’t”s and “Can”s

Monday Sept.17- Dear Journal

I was trying to work on some music arranging yesterday before church, when Ann, a friend and older mom of one of my son’s friends came up to me and said “Music too? Is there anything you can’t do?”
Well it got me thinking all day.  I am indeed a bit if a jack of all trades in many things… mostly the arts and in school type things.  I think this was so that I could help my kids in their needs as much as anything, and I’m pretty much at ease with the “Master of None” part of the deal… I will never win an Art contest, but usually I’m ok with that.
But through it all, just so no one feels jealous, I ended up with a list…..
I can’t play the piano, or any other musical instrument.
I can’t throw myself effortlessly into the kitchen and come up with a full dinner that everyone loves without hard work and pain.
I can’t think up all the amazingly fun things to do to keep little kids “entertained” for hours on end like my sister, or like kindergarten teachers can do.
I can’t seem to keep my house clean.  😦
I can’t stand being in a room that is really full of people – that’s a huge claustrophobia trigger for me.
I can’t remember names.
I can’t just will myself to stop being shy.  It’s something I have to fight every moment of every day- and I probably always will.
I can’t keep things alive in the garden without an automatic watering system.  (I forget to water)
I can’t stop myself from feeling sorry for a teacher when no one will answer his/her questions;  so after a few crickets worth of silence I answer, even if it gets me a “know it all” kind of gossip.
I can’t easily get up the courage to meet new people- especially hard is doctors and new schools-  It’s easier to force myself when it’s for my kids, I still haven’t done it for me.
I can’t get on any computer besides my Mac- I’m quite computer-phobic in some ways.
I can’t run anymore- I get shin-splints.
I can’t stop being tired, or loose the weight I want, no matter what I do– Did I mention my struggle with doctors yet.
I can’t get over stage fright, tho I am getting better at forcing myself to stand up anyway, and not let it show.
I can’t always figure out how to help my Autistic kids – a lot of times it’s like swimming in the dark,  but I also can’t stop trying to get better.
I can’t handle horror, or dark movies or songs, or fighting, or anything that drives out the Lord’s spirit…especially hard for me is teasing to cause pain.
I can’t ever stop loving my family.
I can’t stop trying to get others to understand; especially about my kids needs.
I can’t figure out why I intimidate people and have a hard time making friends.
I can’t seem to stop feeling lonely and blue.

But now the Lord is whispering that I need to be just as careful with a list of “can”s.  so….
I can teach my kids biofeedback and coping mechanisms, and learn with them how to deal with their struggles.
I can read well and fast.
I can draw anything you ask me to if I have a picture to work from, and a lot of things without the picture.
I can edit english, and write stories (when my head is clear) and poetry.
I can paint.  Especially fun is wall murals.
I can make my head work well enough to see things in 3D, so I can do fun things like design dresses and furniture and stuff, tho’ I’m really slow at making these things when I don’t feel well.
I can condense and see the main points of a lecture or article really easily, so class notes are very easy, and I can often see the point of what my husband is trying to say before he does, which is not always as helpful as it sounds.
I can open my mouth and let the lord fill it when he needs to teach someone like at church, or my kids.
I can research and learn almost as good as any detective.
I can learn math, tho’ I have never really wanted to- I think I’m going to have to conquer that this year to help with homework.
I can sing; and I’ll treasure that as long as possible, cause I’m loosing my voice.
I can dance and ride a bike, (even tho’ it’s been years since I’ve done either one.)
I can crochet and sew.
I can play chess well enough to keep my kids’ brains really working hard.
I can teach school -and tho’ I don’t have the health for that one on top of everything else, I will probably always be in teacher mode with my kids. (poor things)  🙂
I can read recipes- so at least I can put in enough effort to cook for my family.
I can be incredibly loyal.
I can drive well.
I can handle all the first-aid needs that 5 kids bring up.
I can hear kids argue at 60 feet- and pay attention to 3 different conversations at once (4 at a stretch.)
I can have courage when I need it for my kids, cause the Lord is with me, and my Love for them manages to overpower my fears.
I can keep trying.

Categories: LDS Mom of Autism, Midnight musings | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Confessions of an Artist– “Can’t”s and “Can”s

  1. Lovely post! I am so glad that you ended with all the things you can do! Have a great week!

  2. zPolarBear

    I Love your list…you are Amazing…

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