the Gift of Pondering


Hello.  Believe it or not, I have had two whole mornings now of peace and quiet respite.   I love spring break.  Even though I have not moved forward as fast as I would like in cleaning and our Recipe world touring– I have come to admit to myself that what I really needed was just this space of time to rest and regroup, and get a bit done that I can’t during school days.

For instance, yesterday afternoon, I got huge piles of clothes folded.  I had been so barely hanging in there that it was down to pulling their clean clothes for the day from the basket in the laundry room.

And yesterday morning was Brand’s turn to go to the Autism Doc for official diagnosis (I love the big names they use– “Behavioral Pediatrician”)  And that was huge.  I had to leave all the other kids to babysit themselves (scary but they are officially old enough, and can handle it when needed- I just have to be ready to dry tears and fears when I get home) Then drive 44 miles one way to the doctors office,  Keep teenager from bolting, and drive all the way home again.

But it was good to do.  It felt very good on the heart, in a vindication sort of way, to find out that my suspicions were right on the dot.  He is every bit as Autistic (in the High Functioning range) as his siblings;  he has just had the blessing of his great brain being able to compensate for it till lately, as school rushes faster and faster towards needed social skill and fitting into the “normal” box.  It was weird, but even though I pretty much knew what was coming, I found that I still had to take off to the store after we got home; to walk off the full range of emotional upheaval, just as if it had been a total surprise.  Ah well.  Glad it’s done.

But before all that-  I had a whole early morning to myself- to watch the sunrise and spend time close to the Lord in pondering.   And I was even able to pull up my journal and record a very remarkable moment from Sunday, the day before.  I was not sure if I should post it- it is very special to my heart.  But I got thinking that maybe it would help someone else as much as it helped me.   So here it is, today’s gift of Pondering.
Sunday, March 10, 2013

This morning, in those strange moments between waking and sleep- you know, that time when you are not sure if you are thinking, or still dreaming– I had the most amazing string of scriptures fit themselves together to form a puzzle piece that I had never seen that clearly before.
It has been those sort of days, lately, where you go to bed in prayer for one of your kids, and you spend all night waking fitfully- in prayer- and fall asleep again still praying.  But since the problem is so beyond what you know – the prayer is no more that a single cry “FATHER, Help”   no other words come.    He is so struggling;  his migraines destroy all his abilities to think clearly for days after each episode, and when he is “all there”, he spends his time telling me about all his pains of the hopes and dreams that he can’t reach because of his loss of thinking abilities.  And I don’t know what to say.  I feel his spirit crying, and I understand what is happening, but no words come. I’m just stuck in a blinding, overwhelming, “not knowing”.

Well; this morning, these are the scriptures that insinuated themselves into my waking moments.  I’m not even sure they are all scriptures, I have tried looking them up  (the references are in parenthesis) and I found out that some are from conference memories as a teenager, and a couple I haven’t found yet.  I’m still looking, but I needed to get this out there for someone, so I’ll post it and keep looking later.
“Christ was sent to the earth – in part- that he may learn by his own experience how to succor His children…”  (Alma 7:12)
“Noah, Abraham, and Moses are all said to have faced Jehovah face to face as a friend…”  (Exodus 33:11) (Moses 7:4)
“The Lord repented of having made the earth… “ (Genesis 6:6)
“Moses interceded as a type of Christ” (I know I’ve heard this somewhere)
“As man is, God once was…” (Hugh W. Pinnock, Nov. 1984 Ensign ; and Spencer W. Kimball, April 1977 General Conference.)

And in my non-dream, it put itself together this way  in a flash of clarity as if in an answer to prayer–  Christ had learned so much before this wold was formed, that he could be trusted by Heavenly Father to Create our world , and govern it as the God to whom the prophets could talk to.  But much of it was still head learning- his heart had yet to feel it deep.  Then I remembered the thought I have had before,  that even the prophets have been given the challenge of difficult sons- none seem to have been exempt from this heart stretching experience of learning to love when it’s the very most painful thing in the world to do…. and it suddenly flashed before my eyes that there was a moment that Christ truly did feel how we feel.  Not just when he took upon us our mistakes in the Garden of Gethsemane, but in a very personal- blinding moment when the heart hits it’s current limit- he “repented” of his efforts to carry humanity to our Father.
At that moment, he had his Father, but he also had a friend.  A very human friend, who understood pain and love and  was there to comfort; and who told Him “it’s o.k., let me help.  Let me stand between them and you for a bit.”

And now here we are in our turn at mortality.   We hit our moments of blinding confusion and pain- and if we listen close to the Holly Ghost, he helps us to hear that Christ is there- fully aware.  He is ready to take his turn to whisper “It’s o.k., I’ve been there.  Let me stand between you and him for a bit while your heart heals from it’s stretching.  Keep your courage up and soon you’ll be ready to move forward again… and It’s going to turn out better than you could possibly imagine.”


Categories: LDS Mom of Autism, Midnight musings | 2 Comments

Post navigation

2 thoughts on “the Gift of Pondering

  1. Debbie

    I love the way the scriptures come to you. Thanks for sharing, they help me out much more than words can tell. It is hard to actually hear the diagnosis, even when you expect it. What was really hard on me was that it took 15 1/2 years to have Jerianne, and then to hear it, it was devastating, especially since she is my only one. I know she is the answer to a prophesy by a wonderful Bishop. I was having problems, scheduled for surgery that would have taken all chances of having a child. My 2 younger sisters were pregnant at the same time. It really got to me, to got me into the Bishop pronto, I laid everything on him. As I was leaving, he said he had the impression to tell me not to give on having a child, there would be one. A couple of weeks later, the Saturday before the surgery, was to be Monday., there was a horrible snowstorm. i felt impressed to go out and get a test—I plowed through the snow to get one—it ended up positive. Try to cancel out a surgery on a Sunday! Finally after the 15 call they gave me the Dr. on call. 8 1/2 months later Jerianne was here! Thankful for the Bishop, thankful I listened to the Spirit. Thanks for your scriptures that seem to come to me at the time I need those certain ones!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: