Monthly Archives: July 2014

Where Success really Lies

I was reading some posts this morning, and realized that I was not so alone – It was good.  I don’t mean about just being a special needs Mom- but in the collateral damage that goes along with it. You know, the messy house and unfinished feeling to life.  But as I started to write into the comment feeds, I realized that I have learned some things that needed to be shared.

Even before this thing called special needs care, the Lord blessed me with endometriosis  for many years (I suspect it was partly to give aspie hubby the time he needed to be a good dad.)  I learned  many things then; but one that is totally on my heart today was when I realized that I had to make a list of things I needed to do, and feel good if I managed more than the top 3.

I learned that the important things, were things that would mater in the long run;  and this carried into when I had kids and added depression and no sleep to the list.  It took a long time but eventually I realized that if my kids were clean, fed, and were calm, and learning about honesty and kindness to their siblings and others, and knew who Jesus was and what he did for us, and even managed to get homework done on top of that- well, I have accomplished much in the eyes of the Lord.  My Hubby helped me see this-  he made me scroll thru all my photos in my photo file- and he said “Look, they all are smiling and happy.  This is a major accomplishment”.

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2004- My own Three Musketeers

Now- as the constant short sleep (4 to 6 hours at a time between all the different kid’s needs) and PTSD style symptoms finally made me seek a doctor (dx -stress triggered fybromialgia) –I am so grateful for his support and love, it is one of the best blessings of an aspie hubby- his utter loyalty.  And so I keep trying, even tho’ I am at the point where I  find that I have to choose to call it a good day if I manage to keep going and clean one tiny spot down to the floor.  And if I manage to make the day gluten free as well, and even more rare- write in my blog- that’s a bonus.  :O

I prayed a long time for help and I need to say out loud (sort of) that prayers are heard.  And they are answered in the Lord’s own time and way.    It never came from the ward– but my folks found themselves between jobs this summer, and asked if they could spend it here.   It is amazing to step back enough to see the Lord’s deeper thinking (than mine) as we watch for the good fall-out in events…. Mom is as OCD as you can get about clean floors, and it has been hard on the kids and hubby (and thus, me)  to adjust to her brand of energy;  but she has the same sort of pure spirit as my asd daughter, totally without guile and  innocent, even at 71.  And working thru the stress and out the other side has allowed them to find out that you can fall in love with someone who is not perfect.  My dad is helping us add a room and sneaky storage to this smallish house, so that my older asd boys can have privacy and semi-independence.  Between the two of them, the house exploded into a construction site. I have had to deal with the heart pain, as I watch old attempts of projects (from many years of trying anything to help make my kids do better,  or my own art side happy) get found and thrown away in the massive clean-out;  but it is starting to swirl down and get exciting as progress is beginning to show.

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sneaking cupboards into the stud spaces in the hall.

I realized this summer that I haven’t done yard care in the back yard in 2 years- and that’s o.k.   My kids still hug me good night, and still like to be with me in public. My older boys still camp out with their dad, and play video games and talk out their problems with him.  They all come when I call, and say sorry when they goof.  They are learning to work thru pain and stay kind anyway,  and find joy with each other (most of the time.)  They are getting quite good at coping with their struggles in a way that makes them more and more invisible to the casual observer, and move forward toward long term goals of their own.

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…  I mean- I still struggle hard with panic at the thought of visitors, and facing my shortcomings is a daily trial.  But what I really should be telling myself is this- in the long measures of success, these things are where success really lies.

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Summer 2014- fun with friends at a Young Women’s activity

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always strive to remember the moments of pure joy

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first load of sheet rock for the new room… So exciting. (many more to go, this is all the weight my van can hold in one trip. )

 

 

 

 

Categories: LDS Mom of Autism, Midnight musings | 3 Comments

Countdown

Tuesday morning-

3 weeks left before school starts for the new year.  My TeaRose is in dead panic. The others are more like denial. I think I feel more like the first.  I finished most of the shopping- but the gear up of the heart and mind- that is not so easy.   My Heavenly Father knew I needed a courage quote today, because one popped into my head during my morning prayers, from the hymn book… so I thought I’d share.

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I Need Thee Every Hour —page 98

1. I need thee ev’ry hour,
Most gracious Lord.
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford.
(Chorus)
I need thee, oh, I need thee;
Ev’ry hour I need thee!
Oh, bless me now, my Savior;
I come to thee!
2. I need thee ev’ry hour;
Stay thou nearby.
Temptations lose their pow’r
When thou art nigh.
3. I need thee ev’ry hour,
In joy or pain.
Come quickly and abide,
Or life is vain.
4. I need thee ev’ry hour,
Most holy One.
Oh, make me thine indeed,
Thou blessed Son!

(Text: Annie S. Hawks, 1835-191
Music: Robert Lowry, 1826-1899)

Categories: Courage quotes | 2 Comments

Putting Grief into the Closet (again)

It happened again.

That prickly, achy, heart-pain that we ponder and then set aside, chalking it up to something called “grief over a normal life that we will never know”.

The first time I ever really experienced these sharp moments, was in the airport.   I had finally pulled by sheer will-power, all my family thru the check-in process, and we were sitting finally in the waiting area.  As I sat gathering my breath, I watch a young mom walk past- head high and forward, not even looking behind her to see if all her ducklings were following, because they were, all 4 little ones in a row.  It had never occurred to me till that moment, that keeping track of mommy was a normal instinct- and one I had never experienced as a young mom.  I thought all young moms fell in love with child leashes.  🙂  I never really have the time to think about it much during the school years, too pre-occupied with the 4 hours a day in the car plus homework stress, and everything else that comes with getting all my kids thru their various special needs.  But it comes hard at milestone moments, like graduations;  or with casual comments like “you should take your girls with you shopping if you want to have Real fun”, or “just get your boys to help you”  Man- I sometimes have to bite my tounge on the comment- “I’ll let you take the kids shopping- and I start my stopwatch to see how long it takes before you call to get rescued.”  Lately the grief has been watching young men who used to be the ones that my kids would not go to church to endure- grow up enough to go on missions, (or return).  Usually I manage to sigh, then push it aside, trying to pretend that it is gone and conquered,  as I focus on the needs at hand and the laughter and joys that our family manages to sprinkle abundantly between the daily struggles.

And then, another sad letter.

This time it was from my younger son to me.  He gave it to me last night.  It was written as part of the activities that the Scouting/Young Men leaders had arranged for all the boys to do toward the end of their week-long Stake Camp last week.  You know, the kind that is supposed to be designed to increase the teen boys’ spirituality… here, I’ll show you. (names have been smudged by me)

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And everything rushes in.  I have to keep the tears set aside, it is too hard on my kids, so I fall back to my routine… Spending the day with a prayer in my heart, and hunting for good moments to think about.

And there was good too- he said he wished they had handed out the letters from the parents first, because it gave him a lot to think about, and he intends to hang it in his room by his bed.  I had a hard time finding the quiet inspiration to write this one.  I finally managed it at the very last night before they all left.  But as I re-read it, I realize it was truly inspired- and very healing to my heart as well as his.

Let’s see if I can copy it over to here.

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To my Wonderful son.

Look at how much you have grown!
This has truly been a handful of hard years- Especially in school.  I have watched and prayed as I saw 4th grade hit hard enough that sitting in the principle’s office was preferable, and 8th grade become intolerable… But you need to know that you have really moved forward, letting yourself learn to do hard things.
Such things as 7th grade when you really took off, jumping from 4th to 8th grade math in  a year- and much the same or more for reading and writing skills.   And I will always remember the huge growth of courage and endurance that you and your sisters showed to get thru the Temple Cultural Celebration!  Wow! what an accomplishment!

Now you are getting old enough that it will start feeling like the world is asking you to grow-up and move forward faster than you are able to go.  Do not be afraid.  The Lord knows you personally, and has set up a plan just for you, to help you get thru this time of your life.
It might always seem hard- because Heavenly Father is working to raise Warriors who can stand with him thru anything– but he also knows how to mix in good moments to lighten the pathway.  Your family will always be there, to help bring smiles and hugs when needed, and keep your eyes open for the tiny bits of beauty in nature and moments of tiny miracles- These are His way to tell you you are on the right path, and help you get thru the rough spots.  And when all seems dark- Look to the scriptures and the prophets, they are the light in the lighthouse, to guide you past the danger zones.
Always remember I love you.  And someday- it will surprise you (but not me) that you have grown up to be a mighty Tiger that cannot be taken down, except for hugs.

Love, Mom

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Yup- the grief is back in the closet.  It may be important to show this letter to the proper leaders for future safety and such, but mourning is not part of my day anymore today.   In the mean time- I think I am ready to wake everyone and get ready for the Sabbath.

Talk to you soon!

Categories: LDS Mom of Autism, Midnight musings | 4 Comments

Friday Evening Courage Quote

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“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.”

Victor Hugo
Categories: Courage quotes | 1 Comment

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